So I'm back to filling up my queue and I've had a few thoughts.
I end relationships when I'm in plays. During three out of the last four shows, I've ended relationships. This last break up leaves me feeling like I have a river rock on my chest. There's no sense trying to make a wheel roll when it's a square. I've tried to roll those squares before and it really goes nowhere. Better to let it go. I did not hope for this.
Hollis thinks it's no coincidence that I initiate these splits when I'm in a show. Her theory is that when I'm in a show, my focus goes to the show. I can't manage or accommodate the relationship. What I need comes straight to the surface because there's no time for those needs to do otherwise. I can't suppress or manipulate other ways for them to be met. The cracks start to show. I don't work well with cracks. I don't like to watch things falling through. Hollis is very zen and it makes me feel better just to get her take on things. I wonder if I just freak completely out when I'm doing a play but she says no. I think she's probably right, at least I hope so.
A woman I know recently posted an article on facebook about the increase of divorce when the wife becomes significantly ill. This doesn't happen when the husband has health problems. Statistically, it looks like a large number of men bail when the going gets rough. She stated this study was just another reason not to marry. I find this disturbing to the point that I can't stop thinking about it.
My former father-in-law is sick. The kind of sick where it's unlikely to get much better. The kind of sick where things like hospice and amputation are being discussed. My former mother-in-law also has health concerns but her diligence in his care is like a flag constantly at full mast. She's exhausted and I'm sure her heart is being pushed to unreasonable limits, physically and emotionally. She doesn't sit down. It's obvious she's putting scotch tape on all the cracks as soon as she's out of sight. They married when they were pretty young and haven't spent any time apart. They are constant companions. I'm sure their relationship isn't perfect. It's not the kind of relationship I would want because it seems really co-dependent. It's hard to think of one without the other. I do think he would stand by her and sit by her bedside if the roles were reversed. It's terrifying to think this wouldn't be the case and that you would leave someone sick because they are sick. You would divorce due to illness.
Recently the mother-in-law was talking to me about going to a funeral (the mother of one of their friends) and how she felt lost without her husband sitting beside her. She was sitting among her friends who were all couples. She asked me, as delicately as is possible for her, if I ever felt that way since I divorced her son. Lost? I was honest. I said no.
Husbandless Wives vs. Husband-free Wives.
I think I'm a Husband-free Wife. I mostly like domestic duties but I don't think I like husbands. I only know a couple of husbands that I like. There are a flock of women I know who seem to be Husband-free Wives. It's not an anti-man club. I know, from brief experience, that it would be just lovely to find that perfect man and for him to take out the trash on Tuesday mornings. We'd go for romantic getaways and he would somehow manage to be there for me but not in my space. It's a nice thought and I don't think I'm alone in it. I'll probably always be a Husband-free Wife even if I find a Wife-free Husband. This is easier said than done.
If bad gets worse, former mother-in-law will be a Husbandless Wife. She's based her entire life on her position in her marriage. It could be an interesting transformation but it will likely be a sad one. I'm not sure what she'll do with herself. I remember when my old neighbor died, his wife didn't even know where the vacuum cleaner was. If she had died first, he wouldn't have known where the checkbook was. She was a Husbandless Wife for a while but then she began to travel. I suspect she now sits somewhere in the middle. I also know Husbandless Wives that just had bad apple husbands. These ladies could do with a good man who can fit right into the role of husband with some kindness and dependability. Husbandless or Husband-free - either way it's still a hard go of it alone and it seems that whatever any of us want, it's hard to find.
Today the girls and I got up and walked to the store to help us get out of our pajamas. We spent the day cutting out paper dolls and pitching a tent in the living room. We made bracelets and went to a play. All good.
The tent is now on Emma Jean's bed and she's sleeping in it. This threw Lucy Maye into a self deprecating rage and she actually called herself a black ant that everyone is stepping on. She did not want the tent in Emma Jean's room. She even sat outside for about 15 minutes and came in accusing me of ignoring her. She was right. I was.
Here's where we are in the girl house.
Our rule for school days is that once everything is done – getting dressed, eating breakfast, backpacks by the door, teeth and hair brushed – the television can come on. They may get 5 minutes out of it but usually it's less. It does allow me a minute of breathing room to take the trash out or feed the animals or something. They always watch some DVD or another in Lucy Maye's room. Emma Jean recently realized that she was spending all her time in Lucy Maye's room and wanted Lucy Maye to come to her room once in a while. On Thursday, Emma Jean really wanted her sister to come in her room. Lucy Maye refused with a simple “Sorry, I don't want to.” . I say to Emma Jean that it would just be easier for all of us if she could just watch a little TV with her sister. Emma Jean says “I'm not going in her stinky damn room.”. Ummmm. “What did you say?” Long pause. “I said, I'm not going in her room.” “What did you just say, Emma?” “I JUST said, I'm not going in her room.” It's now time to go to school.
That's where we are. And for the record, whereas I might be a Husband-free Wife, I will never be a Child-free Mother. I am a Child-Full-Up-To-My-Eyeballs Mother and that's how it goes at the girl house.