I've been divorced a little over 2 years and I keep looking at that as a defining moment. Not because of the divorce itself, but because after I got out of that situation, I could just be myself all over again. Before it felt like I was constantly asking permission. I felt like I was trying to force my way. Now it feels like I'm on my way, like some kind of gate has been opened. I'm not saying that divorce was a completely freeing experience. I've had to adapt a lot. I was very sad for a long time but now the choices are mine and the journey is a map of my choosing. I am good with that part. I really have no idea what I'm on my way to do or what I'm going to find there. I'm working on a map.
I've thought a lot in recent months about what it means to be your authentic self. I know the things I'm best at. I've been around long enough to know that. Howie, my dear friend and neighbor, and I made a list of the things I love the best. They also happen to be what I tend to do the best. Right now, this list serves as my map.
Here's my list:
4.Working – particularly Special Event planning. I really dig it.
I'm doing my best to follow the map.
I love my daughters. It doesn't even make sense to list being a mother as something I enjoy or something that I do. It is a defining part of who I am. I don't even know if I enjoy it all the time but you don't always enjoy what you love the most. I love them the most. At their worst, they are my best.
I'm going out of town for almost a week to do a film. It's a short film and whereas all expenses are paid, I do not get paid. I only shoot for a few days and I'll have time to do any of my work via computer and phone while I'm there. I'm totally broke right now. I really struggled with how to make a decision to do this. I looked at this list and since acting is #2, I figured I'd better chance it. I like the script and had success with a short film back in 2001 so I'm crossing my fingers that this will, at the least, give the universe a little push to get me moving. I play a mom. I haven't played a mom yet. I have spoken out loud that I need a mom role. I have also spoken out loud that I need to do something on film that's not in a modern time period. The film is set during the Cuban Missile Crisis. So here's a mom role set in 1962 and I can't help but worry about being out of town. I'm doing my job on a contract basis right now and I really enjoy it but I don't know how long it's going to go on. It feels like a risk to go but I can stay home and worry about being barely employed or I can shoot a film and sit in a hotel room in Florida and be worried about being barely employed. I'm jumping in the deep end. I'll be worrying in Tallahassee in hair and makeup, making phone calls and going online to stay involved. Vince will stay at the house. The girls will stay with their dad. I'm hoping for good karma at this point.
My only New Year's resolution is to have a garden. I figure I can do that. It seems to be a reasonable goal. It will take some amount of effort but I can make a garden grow.
My contract labor job is essentially with special event type stuff. I really like it so I'm going to hang on to that as long as possible and spread the “for hire” sign around to the people who are doing like minded things. Maybe I can make a big soup of work to keep my head above the money water and get some really great things done around here. Please wish me luck.
A bit about 2009:
I wanted to travel more in 2009. I did it.
I started the year off following a great friend from rehearsal to rehearsal in NYC for a few days and kissed another very dear friend's sweet son and saw a couple of friends. I went to the beach at Edisto Island with my daughters and my sweetheart. I went to Gulf Shores with six of my friends that I've known since we were in elementary school. I went to Hot Springs a couple of times; once to celebrate love and another time with my four closest Knoxville friends to celebrate my birthday. I really like to travel, even if it's simple. All of 2009's travel was pretty simple, pretty modest. I hope to hop across the pond pretty soon. I've been thinking about getting a passport but I'm almost afraid that when I do, I'll hop across the pond. I'm not sure how to problem solve that just yet. I'll probably put it on the list for 2011. It'll be a part of my map. I might get a passport just in case.
I also fell in love. It's a lot different than it was in my 20's. I should say I'm a lot different so the approach to love is completely undiscovered territory. Some things are the same but navigating my daughters, my sweetheart and myself is something I've found is better if I allow myself to watch it unfold instead of trying to manage it. Lessons, lessons, lessons.
The only real disappointment in 2009 was having to downsize the Glowing Body. But it's surviving and we are all better for having been together for that brief little while. It was like a burst of energy and I learned a lot and made wonderful friends. So not all things that seem bad are bad.
Here's to 2010, a map and lots of people who keep making my life better.