independence...

I posted on facebook a few weeks ago that it was time to get back into my skinny clothes. Now the skinny clothes are not really that skinny. In fact, I just want all my clothes to fit. So the skinny clothes comment was a public statement about getting a handle on it, not a love handle, so that my clothes fit they way they are supposed to. It's essentially about not overeating. I tend to be excessive with food. I don't just eat because I'm hungry. I will eat out of boredom. I will eat emotionally. I will eat because something looks good and deserves to be eaten. Universally, food is a form of community. Last night the girls and I went to a blackberry party. It was great. We spent the first hour picking wild blackberries at Seven Islands. I haven't ever picked wild blackberries and neither have the girls. The blackberry patch was fairly treacherous. The best part for me was listening to the girls proclaim over and over again that they'd found Blackberry Heaven! or Blackberry World! when they'd come across a juicy patch of ripe fruit. That was awesome. Then there was a big potluck as the hostess turned everyone's blackberries into pie. It was really wonderful...and based around food. I didn't overindulge but I did eat things that I shouldn't have. I'm not 'dieting' but I am trying to stick to foods that make me feel good. This means that I shouldn't eat sugar, dairy or gluten. I can really tell a difference when I'm not eating these things or when I'm only eating a tiny bit of them. Yesterday was not a good day to skip sugar, dairy or gluten so I didn't. With today being spent at my Mom's for the Fourth of July, I imagine it will be much of the same. Tomorrow, back to treating myself right, I suppose. I really want to wear that dress...and be able to sit down in it.

I am going to take a solo semi-working vacation at the end of the month. I'm excited about it. Last year, I took two short solo trips and it was really good for me. I am just now getting to the place, as a parent, where I don't feel guilty for being away from my daughters to do something fun. I'm also going to the beach with them when I get back so they'll get their fun. As a person, as a woman, as an artist, I'm starting to get to the point where I'm having tunnel vision. It's time to see some new things and spend a little time with people in a different environment. I'm heading to NYC and I'm going to look at a couple of venues to do some theatre showcases, I've got a meeting for my day job, and I'm going to see some dear friends. I've got some computer work to do but it will be refreshing to do it in a different coffeehouse in a different city. I'm going to find some music and hopefully some ideas. I've also been invited to spend a few of those days traveling to Newport RI with a fella. This will be relaxing. This will all be good.

Sitting here in Knoxville, I'm feeling a bit crusty, cranky. I got out of a relationship back in January. It flared back up for about a week in May and I still find myself purging it from my system. I had a dream last night that I was marrying this guy. We were on some ranch and the wedding coordinator kept taking me and the guests to different wedding spots. It was the day of the wedding. Every place we were taken to was a dry cracked barren piece of earth. I'm hoofing around in some ridiculous wedding dress with guests trailing along and none of it was lovely. I called this guy who was waiting in a barn or something, to ask if he'd like to just call it off. He said yes and then told me that he'd brought me a coconut cake. I told him to keep his cake because I already had my own cake. It was very strange and I woke up annoyed. I woke up annoyed and immediately said to myself that I need to plant my love in fertile soil. I think this must be a line from a song or something. It sounds cheesy but it works.

Speaking of fertile soil, I've got more cucumbers than Carter had little liver pills. (I have no idea what that means but my grandmother always says it). There's this patch of my yard where my garden is, and everything grows there. It's where I planted the ball and burlap Christmas tree from 2008 and there's a rogue pumpkin patch rising up. It's a crazy fertile patch of earth. I should probably start meditating there to soak up the good energy.

It's time to get dressed and head to my mother's for Hot Dogs and German Chocolate cake. The sun's shining and it's not supposed to be blazing hot.

Happy Independence Day, friends. Here's to freedom.