January 19 – 25, 2010
Things I notice at the Airports
1. Fine an alternative to the “suit shoes” for fellas. Black loafers and brown loafers with or without tassels are a senseless use of fashion. Some other kind of shoe must be worn. Even some interesting stitching could help this boring, yet offensive, use of footwear. White tennis shoes should also only be worn in the gym.
2. The black leather jacket is out. Yet, I wore mine. Not nearly as many black leather jackets as when I flew to NYC last January or to Austin last February.
3. Airports are peaceful. Folks speak quietly and they pretty much only speak to each other or to their cell phones. However this is not necessarily the case at the Orlando International Airport, which is incredibly confusing. Tons of families going to and fro. Folks arriving are excited with happy kids. Folks leaving have mouse ears and are quiet and testy. Orlando is the most active airport I've ever been in.
Film Shoot
I like it. I like movies. It's not the same actor high for me that theatre is. It's a completely different way of working. Sometimes it's really boring and sometimes it's really difficult. It's not very freeing. It's extremely specific and subtle. I like it.
During rehearsal on Wednesday, I had a horrible caffeine headache so I was kind of crabby. I hope everyone else just thought I was being quiet. I had rehearsal with the whole family on Wednesday. There's two sons, a husband and me. The boys are very cute. Phinneas plays Miles. He's 13 and very wise. His mom is an author and he's pretty cultured and witty. He also wore a “I heart Hot Moms” shirt to set one day. He's the only other person, besides myself, that I've seen wear that $5 Target shirt. It was just as creepy and hilarious on him as I feel it is on me. Royce plays Danny. He's 8 and so cute it's ridiculous. Both his parents were here with him although not at the same time. He also had a sitter here. His older brother, who is 11, premiered a film in Atlanta on Sunday so both parents were in Atlanta for that. His sitter is a gal I know from Knoxville ~ Quinn. She is a talented actor/singer but I know her in a costumer capacity. She costumed me for this historical film for the East Tennessee History Center. It's funny how small the world is. Royce's family are pretty interesting. They live in this planned community that is very much like a commune. Everyone has their own living space and then they have a group space where they all have a few meals together each week. Royce's dad teaches theatre education in schools and through the Alliance in Atlanta. His mom is also an actor. They went to Costa Rica last year for vacation where they worked on a cocoa bean farm. The guy who plays my husband, Thomas, is hilarious. I really adore him. He's very funny and we bonded as soon as we got on set. We didn't really bond at rehearsal although it was nothing bad. He likes to do a lot of improvisation. Unplanned improvisation makes me uncomfortable. I feel pressured to be witty or poignant with improv like that. I crave more structure. If it's planned improv with the director and for a specific purpose, I can go along with it and do fine. But during rehearsal, Thomas (playing Jim) really got into improving scenes that just aren't in the script. Mostly I just looked at him and sat down until he was done or I got the nervous giggles. But when we got on set (and I didn't have a caffeine headache) I decided instantly that he was a BFF. And it helped that he cut out the spontaneous improv. He told me some stories about his cross dressing improv shows and we played on our phones. I think he's a very good actor. He processes through improv and that's cool. I just don't have much experience with that.
Shooting went well. The first day, I kept having to serve these bbq porkchops and eat instant mashed potatoes. It got really gross. During the second scene we shot on that same day, we had to eat corn. Yuck. The crew are all FSU film students and it rarely, if ever, felt like we were shooting a student film. Nobody paid much attention to continuity and that drove me crazy. I also had to do my own makeup/hair but it got done. I think Jaye's script is good. She's really specific and would sometimes over explain but at least she knows exactly what she wants.
I got to wear some really ugly clothes ~ bright yellow house wife dress from the late 50's and this polyester green dress. I'm excited about it. It was very housewifey.
It was interesting to be in a hotel room all alone for 6 days/nights. I'm not used to being alone. I always missed my home and would wake up thinking of my daughters but it was also liberating. I got to watch/listen to and do whatever I wanted in the room. It was only me. I haven't had that experience since before the girls were born.
The weather was alright. There were a couple of pretty days but it rained as much as the sun shined. One day we had tornado warnings and it was pretty gloomy and scary outside. Before I left Knoxville, Lucy Maye said to cross our fingers that there wouldn't be any hurricanes or tornados. I told her that no way would there be anything like that and I'd be home before she knew it. Then there was a tornado warning and I imagined how difficult it would be for Lucy Maye if I actually did die in a tornado while in FL since she had fretted about it. I worried about Emma Jean not remembering me. Then I started thinking about other natural disasters and acts of God that would keep me from my children. I should have never read The Road.
Heading Home
My cab driver is from Nigeria. He tells me he arrived here in 1974, before I was born. I can't help but correct him and admit I was actually 5 years old. In Nigeria, he had been accepted to Law School but his father felt that the job of a lawyer is to turn truths to lies and refused to let him go. The father instead offered to send the cab driver to Britain, the Soviet Union or the US for a master's degree. He was accepted to some schools in the Soviet Union but their was a language barrier. Long story short, he attended the University of Wisconsin and got into Medical School but couldn't afford to go and because he wasn't a US citizen, he couldn't get financial aid. Money is gross. He and his wife now have 5 children, the oldest two have Pharmacy degrees, the middle child is a financier in DC and the youngest 2 children (a he twin and a she twin) are still in college. I wanted to ride around all day in the cab with this man. I wanted to meet his wife and his kids. I bet they throw down a great supper table.
I arrive at the airport and I am in a terminal with a gaggle of middle school students on their way to DC for 4 days. I go through security with a group of girls all dressed in velour jumpsuits and Ugg boots. They are thrilled and have contagious giggling. Only I don't catch it. It's too early for giggles and velour. I go to the bathroom and they are there and they are so loud. I kept reminding myself that I was once a teenage girl. I once giggled.
As I wait, seated, for my prop engine plane to arrive, one of the chaperones ask if I want to go with them. I admitted that in the bathroom, surrounded by the vivacious young women, I wondered how I would survive my own daughters when they reach that giggling awkward age. She answered that I would because my mother survived it and that she was currently surviving it. I watched the chaperones, most parents and some teachers, take a big breath before getting on to their charter flight to DC. I was just a little excited for them and I was relieved for the obvious lack of giggling. It left the room like air from a balloon.
The gentlemen behind me makes calls. He's a lawyer and he's calling clients for directions. He's calling his office to instruct his employees to do a reconstruction from a car accident. I think of the Nigerian cab driver and his fathers opinion. This lawyer behind me could be turning truths to lies but he speaks so kindly to people on the phone. It really strikes me how nice he is in asking his employees for the reconstruction. I hope he's a good lawyer because his voice is so friendly and kind.
The lady sitting next to me is clearly talking to a man she is dating. I can tell it's new. I overhear her asking the man to give her some reassurance because she's feeling like she needs it. As the conversation continues, she also giggles. It's coquettish. She talks about buying chocolate as her splurge. It's not sexy but flirty, childish. I can tell that whatever reassurance this man just gave her still leaves her uncomfortable. I want to tell her that she should never ask a man for reassurance. But then I would have to admit that I'd been eavesdropping and really what do I know about relationships. I have this feeling that the man on the other end of the line isn't in it to win it. She reads the sign posted right in front of us, “There is not a lavatory on board this aircraft. Please use the restroom before boarding. Thank you.” Then there's a pause and she says something about already taking care of that part and then another pause, giggling and the explanation that she doesn't know why she read that to him. Doomed.
My flight from Tallahassee is late and I miss my connecting flight in Orlando. I'll only be behind a couple of hours so it's no big deal. The flight to Charlotte is uneventful. At the Charlotte airport, the service everywhere I go is wonderful. Even in the public bathroom there is an attendant. She wipes the seat down before each person enters the stall. She has a buffet of mouthwash, tampons and breath mints right beside a huge tip jar. All the service people that I see are black folks. It makes me wonder what Charlotte is like outside the airport. I have a perfectly delightful time with people being so nice to me. The Starbucks ladies call me both “Sugar” and “Honey”.
During the flight from Charlotte to Knoxville, I sit next to Gary. He's the first person I've really spoken with on any of these airplane rides. He's going to Knoxville on business. He's staying in Cedar Bluff. I tell him about Taste of Thai, Bakers Peters, Che Guevara, Sitar and then tell him he should really stay downtown and brag on that for awhile. Then I get to brag on how close we are to the mountains and to Hot Springs. I say that Knoxville is unsuspecting in all it has to offer.
I'm really glad to come home.
Arrival
Well, my suitcase is still in Charlotte. Vince picks me up and we go get my car and pick up my girls. I am relieved to see them. It's like I've been thirsty and they are huge glasses of water. I'm really glad to be home. We go to Earth Fare to eat pizza and I lock my keys in the car along with my phone. Meanwhile my luggage arrives and I miss the call. At around 7:30, we are on our way home and my luggage is on it's way to my house and I'm no longer a movie star. I'm just a mom making her way to tomorrow. We get home, do homework and I check the mail. I have a W9 from MGM but I haven't done the MGM work since 2005. It gives me a little hope that a residual check didn't get to me but I'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out. Surprise actor money? Maybe.
Home
This morning was its usual nightmare of waking up so early that it's painful. The girls are grumpy and needy and want me to dress them from head to toe. Then they want to watch a video and don't eat their breakfast and I have to turn the TV off and they freak out. I take out the garbage and brush their hair. We are on our way. Fortunately, the music fromPrincess and the Frog was written by Randy Newman and we listen to that on the drive. We jam out to Momma Odie on our way to school. It's good. On Tuesdays, I take Emma Jean through the drive thru at Starbucks after we drop Lucy Maye off and she gets a chocolate milk. It's a special little date for just she and I. She loves doing it. Oddly enough, one of the Starbucks employees has just seen the historical film at the East Tennessee History Museum, the one Quinn costumed, and tells me I was the best one in it. To my recollection, I may have been the only one in it. I'll gladly take the compliment though. I haven't showered today. I'm wearing a bandana on my head and have pop tart on my shirt but that compliment kinda makes me feel like a movie star.
The world is a very strange and wonderful place.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Where's the map?
I've been divorced a little over 2 years and I keep looking at that as a defining moment. Not because of the divorce itself, but because after I got out of that situation, I could just be myself all over again. Before it felt like I was constantly asking permission. I felt like I was trying to force my way. Now it feels like I'm on my way, like some kind of gate has been opened. I'm not saying that divorce was a completely freeing experience. I've had to adapt a lot. I was very sad for a long time but now the choices are mine and the journey is a map of my choosing. I am good with that part. I really have no idea what I'm on my way to do or what I'm going to find there. I'm working on a map.
I've thought a lot in recent months about what it means to be your authentic self. I know the things I'm best at. I've been around long enough to know that. Howie, my dear friend and neighbor, and I made a list of the things I love the best. They also happen to be what I tend to do the best. Right now, this list serves as my map.
Here's my list:
1.Mothering
2.Acting
3.Home/Garden/Family
4.Working – particularly Special Event planning. I really dig it.
I'm doing my best to follow the map.
I love my daughters. It doesn't even make sense to list being a mother as something I enjoy or something that I do. It is a defining part of who I am. I don't even know if I enjoy it all the time but you don't always enjoy what you love the most. I love them the most. At their worst, they are my best.
I'm going out of town for almost a week to do a film. It's a short film and whereas all expenses are paid, I do not get paid. I only shoot for a few days and I'll have time to do any of my work via computer and phone while I'm there. I'm totally broke right now. I really struggled with how to make a decision to do this. I looked at this list and since acting is #2, I figured I'd better chance it. I like the script and had success with a short film back in 2001 so I'm crossing my fingers that this will, at the least, give the universe a little push to get me moving. I play a mom. I haven't played a mom yet. I have spoken out loud that I need a mom role. I have also spoken out loud that I need to do something on film that's not in a modern time period. The film is set during the Cuban Missile Crisis. So here's a mom role set in 1962 and I can't help but worry about being out of town. I'm doing my job on a contract basis right now and I really enjoy it but I don't know how long it's going to go on. It feels like a risk to go but I can stay home and worry about being barely employed or I can shoot a film and sit in a hotel room in Florida and be worried about being barely employed. I'm jumping in the deep end. I'll be worrying in Tallahassee in hair and makeup, making phone calls and going online to stay involved. Vince will stay at the house. The girls will stay with their dad. I'm hoping for good karma at this point.
My only New Year's resolution is to have a garden. I figure I can do that. It seems to be a reasonable goal. It will take some amount of effort but I can make a garden grow.
My contract labor job is essentially with special event type stuff. I really like it so I'm going to hang on to that as long as possible and spread the “for hire” sign around to the people who are doing like minded things. Maybe I can make a big soup of work to keep my head above the money water and get some really great things done around here. Please wish me luck.
A bit about 2009:
I wanted to travel more in 2009. I did it.
I started the year off following a great friend from rehearsal to rehearsal in NYC for a few days and kissed another very dear friend's sweet son and saw a couple of friends. I went to the beach at Edisto Island with my daughters and my sweetheart. I went to Gulf Shores with six of my friends that I've known since we were in elementary school. I went to Hot Springs a couple of times; once to celebrate love and another time with my four closest Knoxville friends to celebrate my birthday. I really like to travel, even if it's simple. All of 2009's travel was pretty simple, pretty modest. I hope to hop across the pond pretty soon. I've been thinking about getting a passport but I'm almost afraid that when I do, I'll hop across the pond. I'm not sure how to problem solve that just yet. I'll probably put it on the list for 2011. It'll be a part of my map. I might get a passport just in case.
I also fell in love. It's a lot different than it was in my 20's. I should say I'm a lot different so the approach to love is completely undiscovered territory. Some things are the same but navigating my daughters, my sweetheart and myself is something I've found is better if I allow myself to watch it unfold instead of trying to manage it. Lessons, lessons, lessons.
The only real disappointment in 2009 was having to downsize the Glowing Body. But it's surviving and we are all better for having been together for that brief little while. It was like a burst of energy and I learned a lot and made wonderful friends. So not all things that seem bad are bad.
Here's to 2010, a map and lots of people who keep making my life better.
I've thought a lot in recent months about what it means to be your authentic self. I know the things I'm best at. I've been around long enough to know that. Howie, my dear friend and neighbor, and I made a list of the things I love the best. They also happen to be what I tend to do the best. Right now, this list serves as my map.
Here's my list:
1.Mothering
2.Acting
3.Home/Garden/Family
4.Working – particularly Special Event planning. I really dig it.
I'm doing my best to follow the map.
I love my daughters. It doesn't even make sense to list being a mother as something I enjoy or something that I do. It is a defining part of who I am. I don't even know if I enjoy it all the time but you don't always enjoy what you love the most. I love them the most. At their worst, they are my best.
I'm going out of town for almost a week to do a film. It's a short film and whereas all expenses are paid, I do not get paid. I only shoot for a few days and I'll have time to do any of my work via computer and phone while I'm there. I'm totally broke right now. I really struggled with how to make a decision to do this. I looked at this list and since acting is #2, I figured I'd better chance it. I like the script and had success with a short film back in 2001 so I'm crossing my fingers that this will, at the least, give the universe a little push to get me moving. I play a mom. I haven't played a mom yet. I have spoken out loud that I need a mom role. I have also spoken out loud that I need to do something on film that's not in a modern time period. The film is set during the Cuban Missile Crisis. So here's a mom role set in 1962 and I can't help but worry about being out of town. I'm doing my job on a contract basis right now and I really enjoy it but I don't know how long it's going to go on. It feels like a risk to go but I can stay home and worry about being barely employed or I can shoot a film and sit in a hotel room in Florida and be worried about being barely employed. I'm jumping in the deep end. I'll be worrying in Tallahassee in hair and makeup, making phone calls and going online to stay involved. Vince will stay at the house. The girls will stay with their dad. I'm hoping for good karma at this point.
My only New Year's resolution is to have a garden. I figure I can do that. It seems to be a reasonable goal. It will take some amount of effort but I can make a garden grow.
My contract labor job is essentially with special event type stuff. I really like it so I'm going to hang on to that as long as possible and spread the “for hire” sign around to the people who are doing like minded things. Maybe I can make a big soup of work to keep my head above the money water and get some really great things done around here. Please wish me luck.
A bit about 2009:
I wanted to travel more in 2009. I did it.
I started the year off following a great friend from rehearsal to rehearsal in NYC for a few days and kissed another very dear friend's sweet son and saw a couple of friends. I went to the beach at Edisto Island with my daughters and my sweetheart. I went to Gulf Shores with six of my friends that I've known since we were in elementary school. I went to Hot Springs a couple of times; once to celebrate love and another time with my four closest Knoxville friends to celebrate my birthday. I really like to travel, even if it's simple. All of 2009's travel was pretty simple, pretty modest. I hope to hop across the pond pretty soon. I've been thinking about getting a passport but I'm almost afraid that when I do, I'll hop across the pond. I'm not sure how to problem solve that just yet. I'll probably put it on the list for 2011. It'll be a part of my map. I might get a passport just in case.
I also fell in love. It's a lot different than it was in my 20's. I should say I'm a lot different so the approach to love is completely undiscovered territory. Some things are the same but navigating my daughters, my sweetheart and myself is something I've found is better if I allow myself to watch it unfold instead of trying to manage it. Lessons, lessons, lessons.
The only real disappointment in 2009 was having to downsize the Glowing Body. But it's surviving and we are all better for having been together for that brief little while. It was like a burst of energy and I learned a lot and made wonderful friends. So not all things that seem bad are bad.
Here's to 2010, a map and lots of people who keep making my life better.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Here's the love...
I keep being reminded of all the reasons I frickin' love Knoxville Tennessee.
December's a good month to show some love so here it is. Here is the love.
1. National Performance Network is hosting their annual meeting here. It's at the historic Bijou Theatre. www.npnweb.org/site/annualmeeting2009. It's being hosted by the Carpetbag Theatre December 10 - 14.
2. Glowing Body's Free Day of Yoga on December 6. Free yoga all day long and discounts on all merchandise. There's also an incredible box of food you can purchase weekly to help your tastebuds, your health and your waistline. My best friend owns this and she's not paying me to include this. That's love. www.glowingbody.net
3. Carpe Librum - Independent Bookseller extraordinaire. If they had wireless and hot drinks, I'd move in. www.carpelibrum.booksense.com.
4. Alex Lavidge and Knoxville Overground. Alex came home for a spell to wrestle a bunch of entrepreneurs into a focused effort. Now he's off writing a book in NC but he's a hometown boy and is up for leading the way. www.knoxvilleoverground.com
5. First Night Knoxville. Downtown will be inhabited with over 200 artists in 10 venues on New Year's Eve. It's produced by the Market Square District Association (who presently employees me). This isn't nepotism. It's love. www.firstnightknoxville.com
6. Speaking of love, MSDA also got the bandwagon moving for First Friday's in Knoxville. December 4 will mark this month's First Friday. This means a Santa Parade, Downtown Gallery Walk but most importantly the monthly cupcake tasting at Magpies Cakes. www.magpiescakes.com. Don't be a fool.
7. Film maker Paul Harrill now lives outside of Roanoake VA but he makes the majority of his movies in happy go lucky Knoxville. He and his film maker wife have goats and chickens to keep them honest. www.lovellfilms.com
8. Jill Andrews lives here. www.jillandrews.com
9. Rachel Travis is a friend, a new mom and a innovative artist. She does children's illustrations and pet portraits. They are beautiful and you couldn't find a sweeter gal. www.boxiepets.com or www.rachelbtravis.com
10. Last but not least, the Actors Co-op ~ founded by yours truly, but this is about what I love and it's my blog so it's here and I love it. Call it nepotism if you want but believe me, I'm not paying myself to say it. We are performing in the Holiday Show with Christabel and the Jons on December 19 at the Square Room. www.actorscoop.net
This is the first of many Top Ten's before 2010. Check it out. Show it some love.
XO
December's a good month to show some love so here it is. Here is the love.
1. National Performance Network is hosting their annual meeting here. It's at the historic Bijou Theatre. www.npnweb.org/site/annualmeeting2009. It's being hosted by the Carpetbag Theatre December 10 - 14.
2. Glowing Body's Free Day of Yoga on December 6. Free yoga all day long and discounts on all merchandise. There's also an incredible box of food you can purchase weekly to help your tastebuds, your health and your waistline. My best friend owns this and she's not paying me to include this. That's love. www.glowingbody.net
3. Carpe Librum - Independent Bookseller extraordinaire. If they had wireless and hot drinks, I'd move in. www.carpelibrum.booksense.com.
4. Alex Lavidge and Knoxville Overground. Alex came home for a spell to wrestle a bunch of entrepreneurs into a focused effort. Now he's off writing a book in NC but he's a hometown boy and is up for leading the way. www.knoxvilleoverground.com
5. First Night Knoxville. Downtown will be inhabited with over 200 artists in 10 venues on New Year's Eve. It's produced by the Market Square District Association (who presently employees me). This isn't nepotism. It's love. www.firstnightknoxville.com
6. Speaking of love, MSDA also got the bandwagon moving for First Friday's in Knoxville. December 4 will mark this month's First Friday. This means a Santa Parade, Downtown Gallery Walk but most importantly the monthly cupcake tasting at Magpies Cakes. www.magpiescakes.com. Don't be a fool.
7. Film maker Paul Harrill now lives outside of Roanoake VA but he makes the majority of his movies in happy go lucky Knoxville. He and his film maker wife have goats and chickens to keep them honest. www.lovellfilms.com
8. Jill Andrews lives here. www.jillandrews.com
9. Rachel Travis is a friend, a new mom and a innovative artist. She does children's illustrations and pet portraits. They are beautiful and you couldn't find a sweeter gal. www.boxiepets.com or www.rachelbtravis.com
10. Last but not least, the Actors Co-op ~ founded by yours truly, but this is about what I love and it's my blog so it's here and I love it. Call it nepotism if you want but believe me, I'm not paying myself to say it. We are performing in the Holiday Show with Christabel and the Jons on December 19 at the Square Room. www.actorscoop.net
This is the first of many Top Ten's before 2010. Check it out. Show it some love.
XO
Thursday, November 26, 2009
stream of...
thankfulness
Lucy Maye and Emma Jean; our house; our animals: Virginia, Izzie, Deuce, Peerless, Bella, Harry, Isabelle, Gage and Humpback; our back yard; our fire pit and our fire place; Hollis, Peggy, Biz, Nicole, Howie, Jessie, Sarah P., Leah, Mitch and every other friend who walked this year with us; Hot Springs, NC; the Actors Co-op especially Katie, Greg, Andrew, Dale and Jim; the Glowing Body especially Mollie, Jen, Philip, Kim, Molly, Caitlin; my family and my ex-husband's family, Lucy Maye taking riding lessons and Emma Jean picking flowers and me sitting on the side of the hill watching; going to sleep at 9pm and waking up to write this after having slept solid through the night which means my daughters did also; being invited into four homes with people I love and who love me back for Thanksgiving dinner; being alive to be thankful; being thankful.
Lucy Maye and Emma Jean; our house; our animals: Virginia, Izzie, Deuce, Peerless, Bella, Harry, Isabelle, Gage and Humpback; our back yard; our fire pit and our fire place; Hollis, Peggy, Biz, Nicole, Howie, Jessie, Sarah P., Leah, Mitch and every other friend who walked this year with us; Hot Springs, NC; the Actors Co-op especially Katie, Greg, Andrew, Dale and Jim; the Glowing Body especially Mollie, Jen, Philip, Kim, Molly, Caitlin; my family and my ex-husband's family, Lucy Maye taking riding lessons and Emma Jean picking flowers and me sitting on the side of the hill watching; going to sleep at 9pm and waking up to write this after having slept solid through the night which means my daughters did also; being invited into four homes with people I love and who love me back for Thanksgiving dinner; being alive to be thankful; being thankful.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
...break up #447
So I'm back to filling up my queue and I've had a few thoughts.
I end relationships when I'm in plays. During three out of the last four shows, I've ended relationships. This last break up leaves me feeling like I have a river rock on my chest. There's no sense trying to make a wheel roll when it's a square. I've tried to roll those squares before and it really goes nowhere. Better to let it go. I did not hope for this.
Hollis thinks it's no coincidence that I initiate these splits when I'm in a show. Her theory is that when I'm in a show, my focus goes to the show. I can't manage or accommodate the relationship. What I need comes straight to the surface because there's no time for those needs to do otherwise. I can't suppress or manipulate other ways for them to be met. The cracks start to show. I don't work well with cracks. I don't like to watch things falling through. Hollis is very zen and it makes me feel better just to get her take on things. I wonder if I just freak completely out when I'm doing a play but she says no. I think she's probably right, at least I hope so.
A woman I know recently posted an article on facebook about the increase of divorce when the wife becomes significantly ill. This doesn't happen when the husband has health problems. Statistically, it looks like a large number of men bail when the going gets rough. She stated this study was just another reason not to marry. I find this disturbing to the point that I can't stop thinking about it.
My former father-in-law is sick. The kind of sick where it's unlikely to get much better. The kind of sick where things like hospice and amputation are being discussed. My former mother-in-law also has health concerns but her diligence in his care is like a flag constantly at full mast. She's exhausted and I'm sure her heart is being pushed to unreasonable limits, physically and emotionally. She doesn't sit down. It's obvious she's putting scotch tape on all the cracks as soon as she's out of sight. They married when they were pretty young and haven't spent any time apart. They are constant companions. I'm sure their relationship isn't perfect. It's not the kind of relationship I would want because it seems really co-dependent. It's hard to think of one without the other. I do think he would stand by her and sit by her bedside if the roles were reversed. It's terrifying to think this wouldn't be the case and that you would leave someone sick because they are sick. You would divorce due to illness.
Recently the mother-in-law was talking to me about going to a funeral (the mother of one of their friends) and how she felt lost without her husband sitting beside her. She was sitting among her friends who were all couples. She asked me, as delicately as is possible for her, if I ever felt that way since I divorced her son. Lost? I was honest. I said no.
Husbandless Wives vs. Husband-free Wives.
I think I'm a Husband-free Wife. I mostly like domestic duties but I don't think I like husbands. I only know a couple of husbands that I like. There are a flock of women I know who seem to be Husband-free Wives. It's not an anti-man club. I know, from brief experience, that it would be just lovely to find that perfect man and for him to take out the trash on Tuesday mornings. We'd go for romantic getaways and he would somehow manage to be there for me but not in my space. It's a nice thought and I don't think I'm alone in it. I'll probably always be a Husband-free Wife even if I find a Wife-free Husband. This is easier said than done.
If bad gets worse, former mother-in-law will be a Husbandless Wife. She's based her entire life on her position in her marriage. It could be an interesting transformation but it will likely be a sad one. I'm not sure what she'll do with herself. I remember when my old neighbor died, his wife didn't even know where the vacuum cleaner was. If she had died first, he wouldn't have known where the checkbook was. She was a Husbandless Wife for a while but then she began to travel. I suspect she now sits somewhere in the middle. I also know Husbandless Wives that just had bad apple husbands. These ladies could do with a good man who can fit right into the role of husband with some kindness and dependability. Husbandless or Husband-free - either way it's still a hard go of it alone and it seems that whatever any of us want, it's hard to find.
Today the girls and I got up and walked to the store to help us get out of our pajamas. We spent the day cutting out paper dolls and pitching a tent in the living room. We made bracelets and went to a play. All good.
The tent is now on Emma Jean's bed and she's sleeping in it. This threw Lucy Maye into a self deprecating rage and she actually called herself a black ant that everyone is stepping on. She did not want the tent in Emma Jean's room. She even sat outside for about 15 minutes and came in accusing me of ignoring her. She was right. I was.
Here's where we are in the girl house.
Our rule for school days is that once everything is done – getting dressed, eating breakfast, backpacks by the door, teeth and hair brushed – the television can come on. They may get 5 minutes out of it but usually it's less. It does allow me a minute of breathing room to take the trash out or feed the animals or something. They always watch some DVD or another in Lucy Maye's room. Emma Jean recently realized that she was spending all her time in Lucy Maye's room and wanted Lucy Maye to come to her room once in a while. On Thursday, Emma Jean really wanted her sister to come in her room. Lucy Maye refused with a simple “Sorry, I don't want to.” . I say to Emma Jean that it would just be easier for all of us if she could just watch a little TV with her sister. Emma Jean says “I'm not going in her stinky damn room.”. Ummmm. “What did you say?” Long pause. “I said, I'm not going in her room.” “What did you just say, Emma?” “I JUST said, I'm not going in her room.” It's now time to go to school.
That's where we are. And for the record, whereas I might be a Husband-free Wife, I will never be a Child-free Mother. I am a Child-Full-Up-To-My-Eyeballs Mother and that's how it goes at the girl house.
I end relationships when I'm in plays. During three out of the last four shows, I've ended relationships. This last break up leaves me feeling like I have a river rock on my chest. There's no sense trying to make a wheel roll when it's a square. I've tried to roll those squares before and it really goes nowhere. Better to let it go. I did not hope for this.
Hollis thinks it's no coincidence that I initiate these splits when I'm in a show. Her theory is that when I'm in a show, my focus goes to the show. I can't manage or accommodate the relationship. What I need comes straight to the surface because there's no time for those needs to do otherwise. I can't suppress or manipulate other ways for them to be met. The cracks start to show. I don't work well with cracks. I don't like to watch things falling through. Hollis is very zen and it makes me feel better just to get her take on things. I wonder if I just freak completely out when I'm doing a play but she says no. I think she's probably right, at least I hope so.
A woman I know recently posted an article on facebook about the increase of divorce when the wife becomes significantly ill. This doesn't happen when the husband has health problems. Statistically, it looks like a large number of men bail when the going gets rough. She stated this study was just another reason not to marry. I find this disturbing to the point that I can't stop thinking about it.
My former father-in-law is sick. The kind of sick where it's unlikely to get much better. The kind of sick where things like hospice and amputation are being discussed. My former mother-in-law also has health concerns but her diligence in his care is like a flag constantly at full mast. She's exhausted and I'm sure her heart is being pushed to unreasonable limits, physically and emotionally. She doesn't sit down. It's obvious she's putting scotch tape on all the cracks as soon as she's out of sight. They married when they were pretty young and haven't spent any time apart. They are constant companions. I'm sure their relationship isn't perfect. It's not the kind of relationship I would want because it seems really co-dependent. It's hard to think of one without the other. I do think he would stand by her and sit by her bedside if the roles were reversed. It's terrifying to think this wouldn't be the case and that you would leave someone sick because they are sick. You would divorce due to illness.
Recently the mother-in-law was talking to me about going to a funeral (the mother of one of their friends) and how she felt lost without her husband sitting beside her. She was sitting among her friends who were all couples. She asked me, as delicately as is possible for her, if I ever felt that way since I divorced her son. Lost? I was honest. I said no.
Husbandless Wives vs. Husband-free Wives.
I think I'm a Husband-free Wife. I mostly like domestic duties but I don't think I like husbands. I only know a couple of husbands that I like. There are a flock of women I know who seem to be Husband-free Wives. It's not an anti-man club. I know, from brief experience, that it would be just lovely to find that perfect man and for him to take out the trash on Tuesday mornings. We'd go for romantic getaways and he would somehow manage to be there for me but not in my space. It's a nice thought and I don't think I'm alone in it. I'll probably always be a Husband-free Wife even if I find a Wife-free Husband. This is easier said than done.
If bad gets worse, former mother-in-law will be a Husbandless Wife. She's based her entire life on her position in her marriage. It could be an interesting transformation but it will likely be a sad one. I'm not sure what she'll do with herself. I remember when my old neighbor died, his wife didn't even know where the vacuum cleaner was. If she had died first, he wouldn't have known where the checkbook was. She was a Husbandless Wife for a while but then she began to travel. I suspect she now sits somewhere in the middle. I also know Husbandless Wives that just had bad apple husbands. These ladies could do with a good man who can fit right into the role of husband with some kindness and dependability. Husbandless or Husband-free - either way it's still a hard go of it alone and it seems that whatever any of us want, it's hard to find.
Today the girls and I got up and walked to the store to help us get out of our pajamas. We spent the day cutting out paper dolls and pitching a tent in the living room. We made bracelets and went to a play. All good.
The tent is now on Emma Jean's bed and she's sleeping in it. This threw Lucy Maye into a self deprecating rage and she actually called herself a black ant that everyone is stepping on. She did not want the tent in Emma Jean's room. She even sat outside for about 15 minutes and came in accusing me of ignoring her. She was right. I was.
Here's where we are in the girl house.
Our rule for school days is that once everything is done – getting dressed, eating breakfast, backpacks by the door, teeth and hair brushed – the television can come on. They may get 5 minutes out of it but usually it's less. It does allow me a minute of breathing room to take the trash out or feed the animals or something. They always watch some DVD or another in Lucy Maye's room. Emma Jean recently realized that she was spending all her time in Lucy Maye's room and wanted Lucy Maye to come to her room once in a while. On Thursday, Emma Jean really wanted her sister to come in her room. Lucy Maye refused with a simple “Sorry, I don't want to.” . I say to Emma Jean that it would just be easier for all of us if she could just watch a little TV with her sister. Emma Jean says “I'm not going in her stinky damn room.”. Ummmm. “What did you say?” Long pause. “I said, I'm not going in her room.” “What did you just say, Emma?” “I JUST said, I'm not going in her room.” It's now time to go to school.
That's where we are. And for the record, whereas I might be a Husband-free Wife, I will never be a Child-free Mother. I am a Child-Full-Up-To-My-Eyeballs Mother and that's how it goes at the girl house.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Flooded
I don't know if the rain will ever end. I find myself waking up at night to make sure that the pump in my basement is working. If I don't hear it, I obsess until I drag myself out of bed to see about it.
I moved the Actors Co-op office on Monday. Its funny to go back into all the files, all the things tucked carefully into binders, all the photos and show posters. Mostly it made me smile. Sometimes it made me sad and sometimes it would remind me of folks that I'm glad moved away. Everything is in my house now. All the costumes, props, sets, lights and all of the office. It's somewhat comforting to have these things so close. I threw away the records of the phone bills dating from 1998. I threw them away like a burden, like an unnecessary past. I threw away other stuff too. I threw away four 33 gallon trash bags of things I thought I needed or wanted just last year.
I am so tired of moving. I moved out of a house I loved in 2007. I moved out of the Black Box Theatre, our old office and out of the rental house into a house I bought in 2008. I moved all Actors Co-op storage and the office in 2009. I don't think there's much left I can move. I can't actually think of anything but as soon as I say there's nothing left for me to move, something will creep out from under the bed and demand to be moved somewhere unexplainable.
I want to be bored. I want to have everything so organized and clean that I am bored. I would like to actually look for something to do.
I don't know if the rain will ever end. I am so tired of moving.
I moved the Actors Co-op office on Monday. Its funny to go back into all the files, all the things tucked carefully into binders, all the photos and show posters. Mostly it made me smile. Sometimes it made me sad and sometimes it would remind me of folks that I'm glad moved away. Everything is in my house now. All the costumes, props, sets, lights and all of the office. It's somewhat comforting to have these things so close. I threw away the records of the phone bills dating from 1998. I threw them away like a burden, like an unnecessary past. I threw away other stuff too. I threw away four 33 gallon trash bags of things I thought I needed or wanted just last year.
I am so tired of moving. I moved out of a house I loved in 2007. I moved out of the Black Box Theatre, our old office and out of the rental house into a house I bought in 2008. I moved all Actors Co-op storage and the office in 2009. I don't think there's much left I can move. I can't actually think of anything but as soon as I say there's nothing left for me to move, something will creep out from under the bed and demand to be moved somewhere unexplainable.
I want to be bored. I want to have everything so organized and clean that I am bored. I would like to actually look for something to do.
I don't know if the rain will ever end. I am so tired of moving.
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